Since it IS football season (when is it NOT football season in Alabama???) I have added a link to a funny video from a few years ago. Please take a look at "Terry Tate: Office Linebacker" from Reebok.


My thanks to Ron for the following jokes! Some are kind of mean so , once again, PLEASE do not take offense!!
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Cuatro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Man With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
17. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
18. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
19. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
20. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
21. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
And thanks to my sister for these PONDERISMS!
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. (That one is mean!)
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first one.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
And how about the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Have a great day!
Here are some good ones for the girls... come on, guys, you can handle it! Remember, this is a JOKE page!
Bumper Stickers For Women:
1. Behind Every Successful Woman Is Herself.
2. Oh My God, I Think I'm Becoming The Man I Wanted To Marry!
3. Ginger Rogers Did Everything Fred Astaire Did, But She Did It Backwards And In High Heels!
4.A Woman Is Like A Tea Bag...You Dont Know How Strong She Is Until You Put Her In Hot Water.
5. I Have Yet To Hear A Man Ask For Advise On How To Combine Marriage And A Career.
6. Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some Things Are Just Better Rich!
7. I'm Out Of Estrogen And I Have A Gun.
8. Of Course I Don't Look Busy...I Did It Right The First Time.
Here's the final word on nutrition and health.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Chinese drink very little red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Bristish or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink whatever you like, speaking English is what kills us!

In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden... and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.
Since it is Football Season, here are some good ones about Southern Football. PLEASE remember, this is a JOKE PAGE! No offense is meant.


What does the average Mississippi State player get on his SATs?
.......Drool.
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas Cheerleaders in one room?
.......A full set of teeth.
How do you get an LSU cheerleader into your dorm room?
.......Grease her hips and push like heck.
How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
.......Pay him for the pizza.
Why do Auburn cheerleaders wear bibs?
.......To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
Why is the Vandy football team like an opossum?
.......Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.
What are the longest three years of a Florida football player's life?
.......His freshman year.
How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
.......None. That is a sophomore course at Mississippi.
Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
.......Lexington, Kentucky... He knew that the police would NEVER look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.
And finally (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)
Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
.......You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week!
New words added to the 2005 Dictionary, or ones that should be....
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
P.S. That person or persons are probably NOT in the group
Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Career Limiting Move (CLM): An ill-advised activity like trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot.
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
Ohnosecond: That miniscule fraction of time when you realize that you have made a BIG mistake. Refer back to CLM.
Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in the office.
Words of Wisdom and Truths you may not know...
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built The Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Politicians and diapers have something in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
A day without sunshine is like .....night.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the most tempting moment.
Brain cells come and go, but fat cells live forever!
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stopped laughing.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
Humans and dolphins are the only species to have sex for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Bad news for New Year's Eve... did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
A crocodile cannot stick its' tongue out.
The ant can lift its own weight,can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing". They actually pass out from sheer terror.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of the books that would occupy the building.
Think about these tidbits the next time you talk about the weather....IS IT COLD ENOUGH???
60 degrees F - Californians put their sweaters on.
50 degrees F - Miami residents turn on the heat.
45 degrees F - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
40 degrees F - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
35 degrees F - Italians cars don't start.
32 degrees F - Water freezes.
30 degrees F - You plan your vacation in Australia.
25 degrees F - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming.
20 degrees F - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless,New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south.
15 degrees F - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10 degrees F - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 degrees F - American cars don't start.
Does this say something about American know-how?? And whose cat or dog doesn't sleep with them anyway??
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down-hence the expression "to get fired." Donald Trump strikes again!
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a SuperBowl.
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL,or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs....but not downstairs.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, CA.
Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
You might be a Cajun if .........
You start an angel food cake with a roux.
Watching "Wild Kingdom" inspires you to write a cookbook.
You think a Lobster is a Crawfish on steroids.
You take a bite of 5-Alarm Texas Chili and reach for the Tobasco.
You have an "envie" for something instead of a craving.
You use a No. 3 washtub to cover your lawn mower or outboard in your yard.
The horse power on your outboard is greater than your car.
Your favorite TV talk show is Okra Winfrey
Your children's bedtime story begins with " First you make a roux ..........."
Your school teaches the four basic food groups as boiled seafood, broiled seafood, fried seafood and beer.
You're asked to name the "Fab Four" and answer " Paul Prudhomme, John Folse, Justin Wilson, and Vrenon Roger".
You're asked to name the four seasons and reply " Onions, Celery, Bell Pepper, and Garlic".
Your description of a gourmet dinner includes the words "deep fat fried".
You refer to Louisiana winters as "gumbo weather".
You think gravy is a beverage.
You sit down to eat boiled crawfish and your host says "Don't eat the dead ones" and you know what he means.
You gave up Tabasco for Lent.
You know the difference between Zatarains, Zeringue and Zydeco.
Your dog thinks the bed of your pickup is his kennel.
You can look at a rice field and tell how much gravy it will take to cover the rice.
You consider the four seasons winter, summer, spring and hunting.
Your high school band's rendition of the national anthem begins " Jambalaya, crawfish pie, filet gumbo.
You don't know the real names of your friends, only their nicknames.
Any of your dessert recipes call for jalapenos.
Here is a Boudreaux joke that I was told:
Boudreaux died and went to Hell. When he got there the devil turned up the heat 4 times the normal and asked Boudreaux how that felt and Boudreaux said, " Man that feels like Bayou PomPom in July". So the next day the devil turned the heat all the way up and asked Boudreaux how he felt and Boudreaux said, " Man that feels like Bayou LaFouche in August". So the next day the devil turned off all of the heat and the fire and asked Boudreaux how that felt and Boudreaux said, " Man dem Saints musta won dem Supa-Bowl !!
A man came into a bar and ordered a beer. The waiter put a coaster and a beer on the table. Ten minutes later the man ordered another beer. The waiter brought him the beer and saw that the coaster had disappeared. So he fetched another one.. Ten minutes later, another beer. And again the coaster was missing. This time the waiter decided he would not lay down another coaster.. "hey" the man said, "where's my cookie ?"
This nerdy little accountant appears at St. Peter's gate. St Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven. The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks: Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life? Well" says the accountant, "Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up and about to be raped by a bunch of bikers. So I yelled "Hey dirtbags, why don't you pick on somebody your own size" and I then kicked all their hogs over, all six of em, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also St Peter asks, "I'm looking through the book of your life, and I don't see this incident recorded. When did it occur?" The accountant replies "About five minutes ago"
Arkansas Vasectomy
After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Arky said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."
So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
A man walking down the beach sees an old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed-off genie emerges. She says, "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son-of-a-@#*%, I am going to grant only 1." The man thinks a minute and says, "Okay, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed." She says, "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, the guy wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance.
Henry Ford went to heaven upon his death and was given a warm welcome at the pearly gates. St. Peter, after completing the formalities, asked him how he would like to spend his time. Ford, the great inventor, asked to see some of the inventors before him. So St. Peter printed out the list of all the inventors currently (doing time) in heaven. As Ford started to go through the list, he came across the name Adam. He queried if it was the same guy who discovered Eve, the woman. St Peters confirmed that indeed Adam was the man credited with the discovery of women. Ford requested an audience with Adam, as he had a few things to straighten out with him. When the scheduled meeting took place, Ford was all over Adam, attacking him for the flaws in his invention. "Your invention is the most stupid work of engineering I ever saw. There is too much of front end protrusion, the rear end wobbles too much, it chatters at high speeds and the intake is placed too close to the exhaust". Obviously, Adam doesn't like it too much. He thinks for a while and then leads Henry Ford to the Celestial computer. He works with the enormous data banks and in a few minutes there are beeps and all that, and out come a few charts and graphs. "Look here, Mr Ford. Despite all the flaws you pointed out, data shows that there are more men riding my product than yours".
Once upon a time, a man was walking along a riverbed when he spotted a oil lamp lying upon the ground. He took the lamp, rubbed it and voila! A genie appeared. The man was very excited and wanted his wishes to come true...but the genie stopped him and said: " I will grant you your three wishes, but whatever you wish for, all the lawyers in this great country of America will receive double." The guy said, " Fine, let me start with my first wish. I wish I had a million dollars." And a suitcase appeared containing a million dollars. All the lawyers got two million dollars too. Then the guy said,"For my second wish, I wish that I will have a beautiful woman who will always pleasure me forever and ever." And a beautiful woman appeared and stood by his side. All the lawyers got two beautiful women too. Then the guy said,"For my final wish, I wish to remove one of my kidneys".