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Here are some good ones for the girls... come on, guys, you can handle it! Remember, this is a JOKE page!

Bumper Stickers For Women:

1. Behind Every Successful Woman Is Herself.

2. Oh My God, I Think I'm Becoming The Man I Wanted To Marry!

3. Ginger Rogers Did Everything Fred Astaire Did, But She Did It Backwards And In High Heels!

4. A Woman Is Like A Tea Bag...You Dont Know How Strong She Is Until You Put Her In Hot Water.

5. I Have Yet To Hear A Man Ask For Advise On How To Combine Marriage And A Career.

6. Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some Things Are Just Better Rich!

7. I'm Out Of Estrogen And I Have A Gun.

8. Of Course I Don't Look Busy...I Did It Right The First Time.

Here's the final word on nutrition and health.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Chinese drink very little red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Bristish or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink whatever you like, speaking English is what kills us!

In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden... and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

Since it is Football Season, here are some good ones about Southern Football. PLEASE remember, this is a JOKE PAGE! No offense is meant.

● What does the average Mississippi State player get on his SATs?

.......Drool.

● What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas Cheerleaders in one room?

.......A full set of teeth.

● How do you get an LSU cheerleader into your dorm room?

.......Grease her hips and push like heck.

● How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?

.......Pay him for the pizza.

● Why do Auburn cheerleaders wear bibs?

.......To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

● Why is the Vandy football team like an opossum?

.......Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.

● What are the longest three years of a Florida football player's life?

.......His freshman year.

● How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?

.......None. That is a sophomore course at Mississippi.

● Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?

.......Lexington, Kentucky... He knew that the police would NEVER look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.

And finally (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)

● Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?

.......You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week!

New words added to the 2005 Dictionary, or ones that should be....

● Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

P.S. That person or persons are probably NOT in the group

● Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

● Career Limiting Move (CLM): An ill-advised activity like trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot.

● Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

● Ohnosecond: That miniscule fraction of time when you realize that you have made a BIG mistake. Refer back to CLM.

● Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

● Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

● Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

● Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in the office.

Words of Wisdom and Truths you may not know...

● Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built The Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

● Politicians and diapers have something in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

● An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

● A day without sunshine is like .....night.

● It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

● The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the most tempting

moment.

● Brain cells come and go, but fat cells live forever!

● Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

● You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stopped laughing.

● If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

● Humans and dolphins are the only species to have sex for pleasure.

● On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

● Bad news for New Year's Eve... did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?

● A crocodile cannot stick its' tongue out.

● The ant can lift its own weight,can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

● Butterflies taste with their feet.

● A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

● It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

● Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

● When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing". They actually pass out from sheer terror.

● The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight

of the books that would occupy the building.

● Think about these tidbits the next time you talk about the weather....IS IT COLD ENOUGH???

60 degrees F - Californians put their sweaters on.
50 degrees F - Miami residents turn on the heat.
45 degrees F - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
40 degrees F - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
35 degrees F - Italians cars don't start.
32 degrees F - Water freezes.
30 degrees F - You plan your vacation in Australia.
25 degrees F - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming.
20 degrees F - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless,New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south.
15 degrees F - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10 degrees F - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 degrees F - American cars don't start.
 
Does this say something about American know-how?? And whose cat or dog doesn't sleep with them anyway??

● Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down-hence the expression "to

get fired." Donald Trump strikes again!

● An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

● The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

● No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a SuperBowl.

● The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL,or NFL) are the day before and the day after

the MajorLeague All-Star Game.

● It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

● It's possible to lead a cow upstairs....but not downstairs.

● Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

● Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, CA.

● Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.

● The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

● Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them,

right?

● The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it

morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

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