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Now, let’s proceed on to the lofty Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy. You know these are funny! READ SLOWLY and THINK ABOUT IT.....

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

The very first ever Blonde Guy joke..... And well worth the wait !!!!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and Exclaimed," Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

(Oh this is GOOD!!) ...

The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch!

Since it IS football season (when is it NOT football season in Alabama???) I have added a link to a funny video from a few years ago. Please take a look at "Terry Tate: Office Linebacker" from Reebok.

My thanks to Ron for the following jokes! Some are kind of mean so, once again, PLEASE do not take offense!!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
   Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
   Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
   They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
   You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
   Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
   Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
   A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
   Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
   Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
    Cuatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
    Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
    Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
    A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
    Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Man With No Legs?
    Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
    Because It Scares The Dog.

17. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
    Sanka.

18. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
    The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

19. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
    Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

20. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
    A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
    A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

21. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
    Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

And thanks to my sister for these PONDERISMS!

● I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

● Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of

the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

● The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

● Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

● There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

● Life is sexually transmitted.

● Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

● The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

● Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. (That

one is mean!)

● Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

● Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

● Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

● All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

● In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

● Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first one.

● How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

● Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

● And how about the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt." If Jimmy cracks corn and

no one cares, why is there a song about him?

● Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

● Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

● If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

● If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

● If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

● Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

● Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

● Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

● Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Have a great day!

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